


±500 Miles Afar

by TaraIsles



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Dark, Depression, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Romance, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27662042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaraIsles/pseuds/TaraIsles
Summary: 2 years after Jane leaves. Maura is casually dating Kent and, secretly seeing Tommy when she can't stop thinking about Jane. One day Jane shows up on her doorstep (Eventually Rizzles//TW:unhealthy sexual behaviour+depression)
Relationships: Maura Isles & Jane Rizzoli, Maura Isles & Tommy Rizzoli, Maura Isles/Jane Rizzoli, Maura Isles/Kent Drake
Comments: 14
Kudos: 60





	1. Prologue

2 years ago - Paris

A month had passed. Tonight was the last night, and it was almost over.

The two women laid together in bed, pretending and incapable of falling asleep. Last night, they decided to do a sleepover as a remembrance of all the nights they spent together in the past. Now, both of them regretted it strongly. As the dawn began to light part of the room, they realised they weren't ready for the morning. Neither wanted to say goodbye nor thought they were strong enough to do so. This month was a dream come true. For the past years, they spent so much time focusing on work that they didn't even notice the impacts it had on their relationship. With no crazy schedules, no stress and no one in danger, their friendship blossomed more than what they believed to be possible. They had more adventures and fun than at any time in their lives. Living apart was already breaking their heart, and they were still together. The feeling making it hard to enjoy the last week.

Jane knew her friend was having the same problem as her by the way she turned on the bed. She wanted to reach out to her, but she wouldn't know what to say. It was hard to open up, even if it was to her best friend-especially when she was the subject. Her stomach twisted. She was still in time to say no to the FBI, and surely the BPD would gladly accept her back. But, she couldn't do it to her mom. Nor herself. No matter how much she loved her old job, being in danger all the time brought her new perspectives and possibilities for the future. She wasn't the same daredevil as when she started. She wanted a safer life, where she could allow herself to think about growing a family without having to worry about put them in danger. If she stayed in the BPD forever, she would never want a child, unless it was unplanned. On and out of duty, she would protect everyone no matter the outcomes. Being altruistic with a badge wasn't a good mixture. It could easily kill her, and now that she was older and more aware of the consequences of the job, she worried about those she loved. And Maura...she didn't know how to live without her. She was everything to her. If she would leave everything behind it would be for her but, again, working for the FBI meant she could do a better job protecting her. The last thing she wanted was to be selfish and put her in danger, simply because she wanted to see those pretty hazel eyes every day.

Maura felt her heart racing as she recognised they didn't have many more hours left. She had never been good with goodbyes, but this time the pain was unbearable. There were too many things to be told and even more memories to be shared. They tried to play it cool, telling themselves they would often visit and have mini-vacations, but she knew that was a lie. Once the work started, being both of them workaholics, the delays to see one another would begin. She sighed, afraid of how long it would take for them to be face to face next time. A tear rolled down her cheek. She wouldn't survive without her. Looking at her sleeping, she wanted to wake her gently and tell her everything that was weighing in her heart. So many things left untold...so many feelings. But, she couldn't do that to her. No matter how much she wanted to beg her to stay, it wasn't fair. The FBI was a fantastic opportunity, and she would hate herself if she became the reason for Jane not to go. Or worst, she would have to justify her raw reaction. Saying she was hurt about living away from her best friend wouldn't work this time. Best friends aren't this possessive nor clingy. Maura rolled on her side to face her friend, supporting herself on an arm so she could reach her face. She stared at her and caressed her cheek softly—her thumb making small circles against the even skin. On that moment, she concluded she couldn't bear the morning approaching. Crying quietly, she moved her face near hers, gazing for a while trying to create a photograph in her memory. Carefully, to not wake her up, she placed a light kiss on her lips. Then, left.


	2. Needs

Nowadays - Boston

The hideous lamp on the ceiling was still the same as when Jane lived there. So was the wall paint and bed frame.

Maura was precisely where she wanted to be. This was her favourite spot. She must certainly be a masochist... Although the house could never feel the same without her friend, she couldn't restraint herself from coming here. And if she tried hard enough, she was almost able to forget she had ever left. In the past year, she discovered that playing pretend wasn't strictly for kids. All she had to do was focus on the ceiling above her and convince herself the last two years never happened. Usually, she wouldn't mind the stuffy breathing on her neck nor the heavyweight above her body, but tonight wasn't one of those days. For a brief moment, she gazed at Tommy. At least someone was enjoying it. Closing her eyes, she fooled herself, thinking she could smell lavender—images of Jane's dark untamed waves coming by. The thought made her silently moan, but the fantasy faded as he began thrusting faster. He was close. Pressing her lips together, she waited for him to finish. Then, patted his back to reassure him he was wanted.

 **T:** "Are you ok, Maura? You're very quiet today."

 **M:** "Hard day at work."

 **T:** "Well, then let me take care of you."

Tommy was undoubtedly charming and caring. Someday he would make a woman very happy, but not her. Maura turned her face away as she sensed him coming forward for a kiss. A hand on his shoulder, stopping him.

 **M:** "Do you think you can get me a glass of water?"

 **T:** "Sure!"

He answered cheerfully and planted a quick kiss on her lips. She hated it. When he left the bedroom, she sighed and began staring at the ceiling again. Some of her most fond memories were spent on this spot. Jane laying by her side, chatting about work and nonsense until one of them fell asleep. Looking back, she didn't know how lucky she was.

* * *

All the e-mails had been answered, and it wasn't even noon. Now, there was nothing else to do except wait for the DNA results.

The ME groaned frustrated and opened the desk drawer, pulling a mandala colouring book. She considered it for a few minutes until acknowledging that the mere idea of doing so, enraged her. Today was a bad day. All days were a bad day.

 **K:** "Hey there!"

Kent entered the office without knocking and set a food container on her desk.

 **M:** "What is this?"

 **K:** "Leftovers. I thought you could enjoy it."

 **M:** "You know, you don't have t-"

 **K:** "I want to."

Sometimes she questioned herself. Why did she even accept dating him? Not that she hated him, but he turned out to be way more than what she bargained for. Nothing in her body language nor in what she said reciprocated his feelings. She had always been very clear about her intentions. If he wanted to fool himself, that was on him.

 **M:** "Thank you."

 **K:** "I tried to call you last night, but you never picked up."

 **M:** "I was busy."

 **K:** "Oh..."

The disappointment on his face made her almost feel sorry. She didn't like seeing him this way, nor she enjoyed lying. But, since she started seeing Tommy, lying became so common that she didn't get hives anymore. No guilt, no breakouts.

 **M:** "Are you free tomorrow?"

 **K:** "Are you free today?"

 **M:** "Need to sleep. Tomorrow?"

 **K:** "Sure...I...I have two tickets for the game on Saturday."

 **M:** "I'm sorry. I promised to watch over TJ...You should invite Frank. I'm sure he would love to."

 **K:** "Of course..."

 **M:** "Thank you, Kent."

Ignoring him, she stared at the computer, not truly paying attention to what she was staring at. Why was he still here? She felt her throat closing. He was suffocating her.

 **K:** "I guess, I'll j-"

 **M:** "Wait!"

Abruptly, something shifted on her mind. Without giving it a thought, she jumped from her seat and headed towards Kent.

 **M:** "You're on lunch, right?"

 **K:** "I was just about to go."

She licked her lips. Staring at his chest, her heart rate began increasing at great speed.

 **M:** "Lock the door."

 **K:** "Maura..."

 **M:** "What?"

 **K:** "Don't you think it's still a bit early for..."

 **M:** "Fine. Suit yourself."

She knew what she was doing. This wasn't the first, and probably not the last, time. With her back turned, she placed both hands on the desk. Waiting. Sooner than what she foresaw, she heard him behind her, locking the door and shutting down the blinds. When she felt his hand over her belly, it caused an explosion. Grinning, she faced him to kiss him violently. Her hands, instantly and clumsily undoing his belt. Not wanting to waste time waiting for him, she sat on the desk and pulled her skirt above her hips. Quickly removing her underwear, she forced him down.


	3. Almost Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frank=Frankie (Sorry, I didn't stated before)+ Next chapter will be Jane centred

Avoidance.

Her cell phone rang for the 5th time. But she couldn't do it anymore. It had been over a month since the last time she spoke to her psychiatrist. She knew why he was calling. He was worried. Like last year, she ultimately gave up on the treatment. No matter how many different ones they tried, nothing seemed to work for her. Every medication made her feel sluggish with zero libido. Although the lack of desire wasn't a significant problem since she lost it before seeking help, not being able to use her brain so effectively was. And by now, she was too exhausted to start another trial process all over again. At least she was able to accurately do her job again.

Sitting on the couch, staring at her glass of wine, she thought about what she had done earlier that day. Her stomach sank. Kent. She didn't feel guilty. She couldn't possibly...How did it even feel like? It had been so long since the last time she felt it, that she completely forgot. And yet, part of her felt repulsed. Lust came rarely but knowing what she knows now she wishes it never came. Most times, she only realized what she was doing when it ended. Disgust. She needed a shower.

* * *

 **TJ:** "Aunt Maura!"

The kid wrapped himself around Maura, greeting her. She smiled and held him back. Then, turned her attention towards Tommy.

 **T:** "Thank you, Maura. I couldn't do it without you."

 **M:** "You're welcome. You know I love to stay with him."

 **T:** "Kent's not here?"

 **M:** "He and Frank went to see the Celtics."

 **T:** "Dammit! Can't believe I'm missing it."

 **M:** "I'm sure there will be other times."

 **T:** "Yeah...I need to go now. I'll pick him up after 5."

 **M:** "Sure. Don't rush it."

 **T:** "Thanks."

Tommy said goodbye to his son and then Maura, hugging her. For some reason, this left her uneasy. In the past years, mostly because of Jane, the ME grew more comfortable with physical affection. Still, since she left, she stopped liking to be touched. Sex was the only time she didn't mind it, but that was because she usually felt nothing at all.

 **T:** "Behave TJ! Buy Maura."

As soon as he left, Maura kneeled and looked at TJ.

 **M:** "We are going to have a great day."

 **TJ:** "Are we doing a puzzle."

Maura chuckled.

 **M:** "No, we are not doing a puzzle. We are going to the science museum."

 **TJ:** "Can we see the dinassours?!"

 **M:** "Yes! We can see everything you want."

* * *

It wouldn't take too long for Tommy to arrive.

TJ was sitting on the floor, playing with the legos that she kept in her home, especially for him. She smiled. Once, this was everything she wanted—a child. But she was too terrified. She was scared of being a distant mother, like her own. And afraid of being too awkward and unable to communicate properly. With TJ, she discovered that she was actually good at it. Besides work, this was probably the only thing she was good at. Turns out that watching someone grow makes it easier to interact with them. Even if you're terrible with every other kid. When they were alone, she never felt inadequate. She was nearly happy. He brought her peace. On those moments, she remembered who she used to be.

 **TJ:** "Are you sad?"

Maura quickly looked at the kid, unsure of what to answer. This didn't happen often.

 **M:** "No. Of course not, TJ. It's was a long week."

 **TJ:** "Did you catch the bad guy?!"

 **M:** "Yes, we did!"

 **TJ:** "When I grow up, I wanna be like uncle Frank!"

 **M:** "Well, you're going to be a great detective like him."

 **TJ:** "Was my aunt a good detective?"

 **M:** "Your aunt was the best detective Boston had ever had."

 **TJ:** "Was she fun? Dad says she was."

 **M:** "Yes. She...was the greatest."

* * *

Whoever it was, Maura refused to move.

The bell rang once more. She grunted. It wasn't even 7am. When the sound didn't cease, she had no choice but to get up. Infuriated, she started preparing a full heated lecture in her mind. So rude and discourteous. Didn't anyone teach them good manners?

Flustered from anger, she opened the door. Then stopped. In a second, the blood drained from her face. Jane.


	4. Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This and next chapter are going to be focused on Jane's arrival and her perspective.

**M:** "What are you doing here?"

Jane's blood ran cold. For the last hours, she had imagined all of the possible reactions. A warm welcome or hostility were on the top list. But, she wasn't expecting this- apathy. It had been almost a year since they saw each other—three weeks since they last spoke. Last time she visited, the ME had to make a last-minute work trip. When she landed, and Maura wasn't there, she got heartbroken.

 **J:** "Aren't you going to invite me in?"

 **M:** "Of course. I didn't know you were coming."

 **J:** "I didn't know it myself."

Both women came inside and stood by the island counter.

 **M:** "Did something happen?"

She didn't know what to answer. She didn't know how she would take it. The distance strained their relationship. The truth was, neither knew how to deal with it. For now, she wasn't sure about how much she could share. The last thing she wanted to do was to scare her away. She shouldn't have taken so long to try to fix her mistake.

 **J:** "No. I mean, yes. Yes."

 **M:** "What is it?"

 **J:** "I left."

 **M:** "You left?! When? Why?"

 **J:** "I just...that wasn't for me."

 **M:** "But I thought you liked your job."

 **J:** "At first, but...it isn't Boston."

 **M:** "Do you want to eat anything? Coffee? You seem tired."

 **J:** "Thanks. Coffee would be good."

Maura put the kettle on and grasped for the instant coffee. Jane found it odd. Her friend would never permit herself to run out of coffee beans. She decided not to bring it up.

 **M:** "Does Angela know?"

 **J:** "No one knows. It didn't exactly plan it."

 **M:** "How did you get here?"

 **J:** "Car."

 **M:** "You must be exhausted! Where are you staying?"

 **J:** "I...I didn't...I thought that may-"

 **M:** "Of course! You're always welcome here. You know that."

Noticing her friend wasn't nearly as happy as she tried to make it seem, Jane looked around quickly.

 **J:** "I'll find a place soon."

 **M:** "It's ok, Jane. You can stay as long as you wish."

This time, she sounded honest, although still a bit uncomfortable.

* * *

Half asleep, Jane walked towards the living room. Pausing as she heard people talking. She tried to see what was going on- Kent and Maura by the door. Barely any space between them.

 **M:** "I know what I said, and I'm sorry, but something came up. I'll make it up to you."

 **K:** "Ok...I just thoug-"

 **M:** "I know. I really am sorry."

 **K:** "Fine. I'll see you tomorrow, then."

 **M:** "I'll see you tomorrow."

Maura held his forearm as he kissed her. Jane felt sick. As soon as she heard the door close, she resumed walking. Approaching her friend, she chuckled nervously.

 **J:** "So...still with Kent?"

 **M:** "I...i-it's nothing serious."

 **J:** "It has been nothing serious for quite a while."

 **M:** "It's really not like that. We're just spending time together."

 **J:** "For one year and a half!?"

 **M:** "We're two adults enjoying each other's company until we meet someone."

 **J:** "Yeah...I don't know if I could spend so much time with someone and not catch feelings."

 **M:** "I'm not like you, Jane."

 **J:** "Clearly...I saw the height marks on the door frame."

 **M:** "Oh my God, Jane. TJ grew up so much in the past months! You have no idea."

Jane chuckled, seeing her friend's enthusiasm. She was the most adorable thing she ever saw. She truly had missed her. Being face to face made her even more aware of how much she needed her in her life—every day.

 **J:** "Do you spend a lot of time together?"

 **M:** "Yes! He's such a smart kid. I never saw someone at his age being so fast with puzzles."

 **J:** "You're rubbing off on him."

 **M:** "Well, Tommy is quite smart too."

 **J:** "Too bad; he uses it on the wrong things."

 **M:** "He's doing amazing, Jane."

 **J:** "Yeah...I guess parenthood really changes people."

 **M:** "He was always a good person. He just made a few mistakes."

 **J:** "Typical Rizzoli."

Jane took a sip of her coffee. She and Tommy were way more similar than what she previously realized. He was led by his heart, and she was led by her logic. He fixed his mistakes, and now it was her time to fix hers.


	5. Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the greatest chapter. I've been quite tired becaused of work. Next one will be MUCH better x

Something was wrong.

Something was very wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it- yet. In the past days, she did nothing but try to make things less awkward between them. It was hard. Maura acted politely and reasonably friendly, but she wasn't allowing her to get close. From what she witnessed, she wasn't allowing anyone at all, not even Kent. This was the first time she saw her being indifferent towards someone she was seeing. The only day she seemed actually happy was when they went to dinner with her family. Still, she was mostly polite than anything else. Staying under the same roof just made Jane more aware that something was wrong. No one could pretend for 24hours a day.

Jane looked everywhere. In every shelf, drawer and closet. The more she examined, the more she worried, and then, she saw it- prescription drugs. Having worked for the BPD made her familiar to their uses. She shut her eyes and sighed, thinking of the best way to approach the subject when Maura returned home. Why didn't she say anything? And why did she believe her when she said she was doing great, even though her gut told her otherwise? She should have come back sooner. She should have never left. The guilt almost consumed her, but she had to put her feelings aside to help her friend.

It must have been half after midnight when she heard noises coming from the living room. Jane was in bed, incapable of falling asleep. Immediately, she got up and followed the sound, rethinking of how to approach Maura. The blonde had her heels kicked by the couch and was laying down. Jane sat near her, getting even more scared when she realized she didn't notice her for the first seconds. It was almost like she wasn't truly there.

 **M:** "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

 **J:** "It's fine. I couldn't sleep anyway. Did you eat already?"

 **M:** "Yeah, Kent wanted to show me this new Scottish place. Not my type of cuisine, but it was definitely interesting."

 **J:** "Maura...How you doing?"

 **M:** "Great. Why are you asking me this?"

 **J:** "You don't look quite ok."

 **M:** "I'm tired. It was a long week."

 **J:** "What's really going on? You're different."

 **M:** "People change. I've changed."

 **J:** "I saw the pills Maura, and I know you've been sleeping with Tommy."

 **M:** "No, I'm not."

 **J:** "Your hives."

 **M:** "I don't have hiv-"

Maura stopped herself when she noticed the breakout. She seemed surprised. Jane placed her hand on her knee. Quickly removing it, as she felt her friend getting uncomfortable under the touch.

 **J:** "Sweetheart...I'm just trying to help...I'm here to help."

 **M:** "Well, you can't! You can't come back here, 2years later pretending you never left! A lot happened. I'm not the same person that I used to be. I don't even remember who that was, a-and I don't know who I am right now...How do you know about Tommy? Did he tell you something?"

At this point, the ME was standing up, walking in circles fast-paced.

 **J:** "TJ wanted me to read for him because that's what you do for bedtime. He said you go there a few times a week, and I saw how comfortable you are around Tommy. It wasn't too hard to put two and two together."

 **M:** "I know him for years! Of course, I'm comfortable."

 **J:** "You're not comfortable around anyone!"

 **M:** "I-I really like Tommy. He's amazing."

 **J:** "You like my brother?!"

 **M:** "No! Not like that. He's just...Tommy."

 **J:** "Maura...look...I just wanna help you. You need help."

 **M:** "I don't need your help."

Without having time to react, Jane watched her leaving the room. If she was honest, it could have been worse.

It was a great day.

Cavanaugh hired her back, and Ma wasn't giving her a hard time about it. Maura's shift was almost over, so she thought it was a good idea to tell her the news in person. The, once again, detective got out of the elevator and headed towards the ME office. Knocking and walking in as she got there.

 **M:** "What are you doing here?"

 **J:** "I spoke to Cavanaugh."

 **M:** "So? What did he say?"

 **J:** "I'm back."

 **M:** "Congratulations, Jane."

 **J:** "Soooo, I was thinking. You're almost finished. Do you wanna grab something to eat?"

Her heart started beating faster. She was supposed to be focusing on saving their friendship, but it was hard to suppress her emotions.

 **M:** "I don't know, Jane."

 **J:** "Maur...just try a bit, please. Can you do it for me?"

Jane was ready to give her all it took. She only wanted to see her happy again. It didn't matter if she sounded vulnerable or stupid. Maura was worthy of everything. She was going to work things out, no matter what. Her heart would probably get broken one way or another, but since it was already broken, it didn't matter.

 **M:** "I'm really tired."

 **J:** "What if we order some takeout and watch a movie. We can even watch one of those boring documentaries you always watch."

The ME quietly chuckled.

 **M:** "Well, I guess we can have a little bit of bonding."

 **J:** "I like bonding."

 **M:** "I..I'm sorry about the other day. I was acting defensive, but I know you're just worried."

 **J:** "I really am, Maura...Do you think we can talk later? No pressures. You think you can do that?"

 **M:** "I-I don't know, but..."

 **J:** "It's ok if you can't. We'll just enjoy the night."

 **M:** "Thanks."


	6. The Kiss

Unsurely, she took Maura's hands between hers. Caressing them gently after not being rejected. Both of them, oblivious to the documentary they started watching an hour ago.

 **M:** "I don't know Jane...I thought I was just sad, but then one day, I realized it was more than that. Everything I love makes me frustrated; I behave erratically, and I can't control these awful thoughts nor my actions. I became so selfish...It's all about me and what I want at the moment, even if it goes against my morals. I'm really glad that you're back. I missed you, but...I hate that you have to see me like this. I'm so ashamed."

 **J:** "You don't need to be ashamed of anything...You're the strongest person I know. You'll get through this."

 **M:** "I don't know if I can."

 **J:** "You will. This is what we will do...tomorrow you'll call your doctor and make an appointment. I'm here for you. You don't need to do this by yourself."

 **M:** "I-I'm afraid that I'll push you away or do something stupi-"

 **J:** "I ain't going anywhere. I pr-"

 **M:** "But you don't know the disgusting things I've been d-"

 **J:** "I mean it. I promise."

In an attempt to assure her, Jane stroked her shoulder. Giving her a small smile when she saw her relaxing underneath the touch. The ME, abruptly, looked at the TV.

 **M:** "I forgot what we were watching."

 **J:** "You wanna rewind it?

 **M:** "No. What do you want to watch?"

 **J:** "Nothing really."

 **M:** "News? Sports?..."

 **J:** "News would be nice."

 **M:** "I'm surprised."

Maura quietly chuckled, pulling the blanket with her, as she slowly laid down. Her legs on top of her friend, who started laughing as well.

 **J:** "What? I'm not THAT illiterate."

 **M:** "Never said you were."

Jane placed a hand on Maura's back, making her move slightly forward. Then, proceed to lay down between her and the couch. One of her arms around her waist, holding her close while protecting her from falling. Shutting her eyes for a brief moment as she smelled the blonde's shampoo. The feeling of the back brushing against her body, with every breath, gave her a comfort she hadn't felt in years. Home. Maura was her home. For better or for worse.

* * *

It was too hot, and her mouth felt dry.

Jane, never stopping holding her, kicked the blanket away from them when she realized how sweaty they were getting—feeling guilty as the blonde started to shift from it. Seconds later, sleepy barely open hazel eyes were trying to stare at hers. Her heart skipping a beat as she felt Maura's warm breath brushing against her cheek.

 **J:** "S-sorry."

The doctor freed one of her arms from hers, brushing away the hair that was covering part of her eyes. Then, she did the same to Jane and rested the hand on her neck. The detective sighed with the touch and gazed into the eyes that were trying hard to keep open—remembering, more vivid than usually how she got kissed in Paris. At the moment she was so taken by surprise and felt so overwhelmed she could not react. She was also sure that she was doing the best for both of them. All she wanted was to have a calmer life and protect Maura from being an easy target from her enemies. However, if she was honest, the pain she felt at the moment for suddenly doubting her decision was more than what she could handle. Too afraid of all the possible consequences, she kept pretending to be sleeping. Regretting it more every second it passed, until her friend left her by herself. Since she met her, she had wanted nothing but for that to happen. Yet, as they grew closer, she stopped being so hard on herself for being too afraid to make a move because the truth is that she couldn't bear to lose her friendship. This way, she could keep her in her life and shield her. The kiss changed everything. All she had taken for facts were now confusing questions. She got it all wrong. In the past years, she replayed the moment in different ways from what happened—trying to imagine different outcomes. Constantly blaming herself from taking the easy way instead of being brave enough to do something about the situation.

Defeated, Jane rested her forehead against her friend's. Opening her eyes, hopefully, as she felt her jawline being caressed. Maura had her eyes closed.

 **J:** "M-Maur?"

When the blonde opened her eyes, Jane pulled her face away from hers—bringing it closer, again, to get a better look at her. Maura stopped caressing her, and they gazed into each other's eyes for a while. Jane wanted to see her reaction, hoping she wasn't scaring her. Feeling her fast-paced breathing against her, she closed the gap between them and gently brushed her lips against hers. The ME lightly pushed her body against her, making her sigh from the impact. As they began groaning, Jane, instinctively, ran the tip of her tongue through her upper lip, asking for permission. Maura moaned louder, giving her access and kissing her as tenderly. When the kiss grew more intense, Jane noticed her friend's body abruptly becoming rigid—stopping right away, trying to see what was wrong. Vulnerable, childish eyes staring scared at her. It didn't take too long for the ME's body to start quivering as she tried her best to compose herself and leave. Jane watched her go unsure of what she did wrong.

* * *

 **J:** "Maur?"

The dark-haired entered her friend's bedroom and closed the door behind her, still thinking of the best way to approach her. When she saw Maura curled in a ball with her face against the pillow, shaking uncontrollably, her heart sank. Carefully, she sat behind her and started rubbing her back gently, trying to calm her down.

 **M:** "G-go away."

At first, she thought to obey her requests but quickly decided not to. She knew her too well to know she was the type of person that didn't like company when crying, but this was different. She wasn't just crying. She was struggling and needed help even if she tried to push her away. Jane knew she could make her feel better if she allowed her. If it didn't work, she could always go to her bedroom and think about what to do the next day. Jane kept caressing her.

 **J:** "It's ok."

 **M:** "T-turn off the lights...I-I don't want you to see me."

This time, she did exactly what she said. She turned off the lights and then laid next to her. Holding her from behind, allowing her to cry. Being able to control her breath, again, Maura held her hand gently, still crying.

 **J** : "I-I'm sorry."

 **M:** "Don't. You did nothing wrong. It's me."

 **J:** "I shouldn-"

 **M:** "No."

Maura turned around, pressing her face against Jane's chest and leaving a hand on her waist.

 **M:** "I'm sorry...I...it's too much...I want, but..."

 **J:** "I get it. Baby steps...just try to sleep."

 **M:** "...Jane?"

 **J:** "Yeah?"

 **M:** "Can you stay here?"

 **J:** "I wasn't planning on going anywhere."


	7. Tommy

It was later than what she wished for. It had been so long since the last time she went to the farmer's market and local grocery store, that her time management skills on it were almost non-existent.

As soon as she entered home, she saw Jane jumping from the couch— quick breathing and flustered. Shit.

 **J:** "Where were you?"

Instantly, Maura rolled her eyes internally, regretting her thoughts right away. This was not who she was. This was not who she was raised to be. Since Jane arrived, she had become deeply aware of her uncharacteristic reactions and lack of sympathy. No matter how happy she was for her to be back, and especially for how safe and loved she made her feel last night, the truth was that she felt more guilty and disgusted with herself as never before. She didn't deserve her.

 **M:** "Shopping. We can't live on take-out and frozen meals. I got you more beer and proper coffee."

 **J:** "Why didn't you say anything? I was so worried!"

 **M:** "I'm not a damn child! I don't need to be taken care of!"

Maura, quickly, shut her eyes and then stared at the floor. Unable to look at her friend, she moved fast to the island counter and placed both hands on top of it, supporting her body as it became harder to breathe. Failing to suppress her tears, she tried to find how to apologize without breaking down completely—too many mixed feelings. Anger towards herself and fear over hurting Jane, even more, were top of the list. She had kept people away for so long that her body and brain reacted in repulsive ways not to get hurt. She wanted to be herself again—for her and Jane. Maura was finally getting everything she wasn't even capable of dreaming because of how much it hurt knowing she could never get it and, yet, she kept pushing her away. Suddenly, she felt her friend approaching.

 **M:** "I-I'm sorry. My phone died."

When she felt Jane's hand touching her arm, she nervously stepped away.

 **J:** "Maur?"

 **M:** "I'm going to freshen myself up and then cook us something. I need to go out and do something after lunch."

 **J:** "Sure...Let me get the groceries. I think I remember where everything goes."

 **M:** "Thanks."

Before walking out of the room, the ME gave her friend a small smile, hoping she wouldn't see the sadness behind it.

During the entire ride, Maura couldn't stop thinking about their lunch. It was quieter than usual, and although they had a pleasant small talk, she couldn't seem to unwind and stop acting so stiff. What she was most concerned about is that they didn't engage in any type of physical contact. There was no one to blame but herself. If she kept pushing her away, it would be no surprise if Jane started being cautious about her actions nor if she decided to leave. It was hard to feel vulnerable. This morning, when she woke up, Jane still had her arms around her. Maura, doing everything she could not to wake her up, ran her fingers across her cheek and kissed her forehead. After admiring her for a few minutes, she got up and tucked her in, kissing her temple softly. Deciding on that moment, she wanted to cook her favourite meal-Ma's famous gnocchi recipe. Noticing, she had nothing at home and had to go out. In the end, upset with herself, she ended up making them a quick lunch instead.

Maura knocked on the door and waited. It didn't take too long for Tommy to open it.

Taking a sip from one of the red wine's Tommy kept for her at his place, she stared at him—waiting for his reaction.

Even though she never made him believe something could happen between them, she knew he was smitten by her. If he weren't Jane's brother, she would probably feel smitten by him when they met. Maybe she was, but it was too short-lived for her to remember. In the past years, he became the person closest to her, and if she weren't struggling as much, they would probably be intimate best friends by now. Unlike Kent, he made everything seem easier and never pushed her into something she didn't want to. He always gave her the space she needed.

It was impossible not to hurt him, but she wished it didn't strike him too hard. The consequences for her past actions were starting to get her.

 **T:** "I...I didn't know you and Kent were getting serious."

 **M:** "We're not. I'm sorry."

 **T:** "No. Don't be. I know this was not...you know. You were with Kent, and I crossed the lin-"

 **M:** "You didn't. "

 **T:** "I feel like I kinda took advantage of yo-"

 **M:** "No, Tommy. If someone took advantage of anyone that was me. You were sad over Lydia; Kent wasn't talking to me; You had feelings for me in the past, and I knew that with the right set up, you would...I mean, I didn't plan it. I knew it was a possibility and I didn't know exactly what my reaction would be but...it was on the spur-of-the-moment."

 **T:** "Well, I liked that you took advantage of me."

Maura laughed loudly.

 **M:** "You're such a moron!... I don't want to lose your friendship."

 **T:** "Maura! We're family! You're stuck with me"

Tommy began hugging her, and she pulled him closer. It hadn't been as hard as she was expecting. Maura sighed in relief.

 **M:** "Can I ask you something?"

 **T:** "Shoot!"

 **M:** "Today, I did something...I think Jane's upset with me."

 **T:** "Impossible. She would never be upset with you."

 **M:** "But...I think I hurt her. When you were kids, what did you do to cheer her up?"

 **T:** "Well-"

The bell door rang, and Tommy ran to open it. Standing outside was Jane.

The ME felt her friend's eyes focused on her, making her gulp and hope she didn't get the wrong idea of why she was there.

 **T:** "Janie! Maura was just telling me how much she missed you!"

 **J:** "She was?!"

As Jane came inside and looked at her, somewhat surprised, Maura felt her cheeks burn. Immediately, she looked at the floor and became unsure of what to do with herself.

 **T:** "You know what? I have the best idea. Why don't we get some pizza and watch yesterday's game?"

Jane couldn't help but notice how comfortable Maura was around Tommy and TJ. She even took a beer from the fridge and handed it to her after she stepped inside—before Tommy had a chance to offer it.

No matter how much she knew she didn't love him, she still felt jealous. They were close, and he had had her in ways she's been daydreaming since she first laid eyes on her. It was impossible not to feel insecure. Part of her wanted to be in his position. And the way Maura talked to her today...it hurt. Seeing her reaction after, hurt her even more. She was struggling, and Jane had only recently started to see how much. She already knew it was bad, especially by what the blonde told her, but it didn't really hit her before that. Then, she saw how she had bought so many snacks that she loved, even though the ME hated them. Her heart filled with love. Neither one of them were great with expressing their feelings, but they were learning how to. What mattered is that they understood each other and were able to read between the lines. Actions and attention to details was their love language.

Distracted in her thoughts, she only realized Maura got up when she sat down next to her— their bodies closer than before. Jane looked at her and saw her placing her glass on the coffee table, next to where TJ was playing. She seemed stiff and kept her eyes on the screen. Still, the ME wrapped one of her arms around her's. Surprised with the action, Jane reached for her free hand and held it between them. Caressing it gently, she felt her friend relax underneath the touch. When Maura rested her head against her shoulder, she kissed her forehead softly.

 **TJ:** "I wanna go to bed."

 **T:** "Let's go, buddy!"

 **TJ** : "Noooo...I want aunt Maura and aunt Jane!"

 **TJ:** "You can sit here and read to me. Aunt Maura, can you do your thing?"

 **M:** "Of course, TJ."

Sitting on the stool by the bed, Jane smiled, realizing how her friend's voice seemed to get softer and sweeter around her nephew. She also loved how he would call her aunt. Their connection and understanding was incredible.

She watched Maura in amazement— the way she kicked her heels on the floor; how she placed herself underneath the sheets, pulling TJ on top of her and how he rested his head against her chest. Both holding each other while, every once in a while, the blonde kissed his head. If she hadn't done it before, this would be the moment she would decide she wanted to spend the rest of her life next to her. She had never seen her looking as beautiful.

The moment TJ fell asleep, both women couldn't keep their gaze away from each other. They were hypnotized. Eventually, the ME carefully got up and tucked him in. When she grabbed her heels, Jane stood up and got near her. Hazel eyes staring at hers, while their chests brushed against each other.

 **J:** "This was amazing."

 **M:** "TJ is exceptional."

 **J:** "No. You. You are...incredible."

Maura laid her face against Jane's neck and began tracing soothing circles on the back of her head. Pulling apart, she kissed her quickly, yet tenderly. The dark-haired watched her looking at the floor for a quick second—her cheeks bright red. She was adorable.

 **J:** "You're adorable."

Maura giggled quietly, and Jane wrapped her arms around her. Kissing her softly between smiles and feeling her melting with each touch.

 **M:** "I'm a bit tired. Do you mind going home now?"


	8. "I love you"

Placing two hot tea mugs on the island counter, the dark-haired woman felt delicate arms embracing her from behind. Her smile growing wide as she felt soft lips pressed against her cheek. Maura, never stopping holding her with one arm, came by her side and picked one of the mugs.

 **M:** " I'm sorry about my behaviour today."

 **J:** "It's ok, Maura."

 **M:** "No, it's not. I was dreadful, and it will likely happen again."

Seeing sorrow hazel eyes looking into her's, Jane started rubbing her shoulder, trying to give her some comfort. Maura's actions and words seemed to hurt her more than herself.

 **J:** "I know you didn't mean to."

 **M:** "I didn't, but I still said it. It doesn't matter if it wasn't really me talking to you that way because it was still me, and I hurt you."

 **J:** "The only thing that matters to me is that you didn't mean it, and you're trying to fix things right now."

Maura stopped touching her and looked at the floor. Quiet tears starting to roll out from her eyes. Jane took her hands between hers and caressed them.

 **M:** "Jane...I don't want to hurt you. I spoke to my doctor, and it's going to take a while...and that is if the new treatment works. If you don't want to be with me right now I understand, a-and if you m-meet someone in the meantime I won't blame you."

 **J:** "What are you saying...Maur...I love you."

Jane tried to look her in the eyes, but it was useless. The blonde was sobbing gently, staring at the counter. It hurt her, seeing her in such pain and still being able to be so selfless. This was the real Maura.

 **M:** "I-I don't mind if you leave if that means I won't hurt you."

 **J:** "Maur... You're not listening to me. I've been in love with you for years."

 **M:** "I k-know, b-but...you deserve better."

 **J:** "That just tells me you deserve me more than what you realize."

* * *

Glancing at her watch, again, Maura grunted in annoyance.

Jane was waiting for her at the Café, and she was still here-waiting for Kent to return. She supposed she could leave, but she didn't want to wait another day without him clearly understanding they were not together. She thought she had been clear but apparently not. In the past days, every time she tried to bring the subject up, he interrupted and avoided the topic. At this point, she couldn't stand him.

Knowing most of the anger was caused by a lack of compassion and strong impulsive feelings, she tried to stay as calm as possible. The last thing she wanted was to turn him into a scapegoat for all of her problems. However, part of her felt a rush of adrenaline running through her body with the mere idea of exploding on him.

 **K:** "Hello!"

 **M:** "Kent, please close the door."

Intrigued, he did exactly what she asked and walked to the front of her desk—staring at her, more relaxed than what she expected. Maybe he was more clueless than she believed.

 **M:** "It's over."

 **K:** "What's over?"

 **M:** "Our relationship. Although I wouldn't necessarily classify it as such."

Kent went stiff and gave her sad eyes. She almost felt guilty.

 **K:** "I... you've been oddly happy this week. I thought mayb-"

 **M:** "I'm sorry, but you thought wrong. You knew this was only a matter of time."

 **K:** "Is...is this anything to do with Rizzoli?"

 **M:** "I did, indeed, enjoy your company, but Jane has nothing to do with why I can't see you as anything else but a friend."

Maura watched his face go pale. Now, she felt slightly guilty. He might talk too much and try to push her into being in a serious relationship, but he was, nevertheless, a good friend. He had been next to her many times before. When she found out she had Chiari malformation, he was the first to know-he guessed it even before her and any doctor. If it weren't for him being so pushy and inconvenient, she wouldn't have gotten help so soon.

 **K:** "I meant Tommy…"

This time, the ME was the one getting pale. Not ready to have this conversation with anyone at all, she nervously tidied her paperwork. If she focused on Tommy, maybe he would forget what he just realized reading between the lines.

 **M:** "How do you know about Tommy?"

 **K:** "I'm not an idiot, Maura."

 **M:** "Why didn't you say anything?"

 **K:** "I thought you were unsure about us and hoped you would eventually choose me."

 **M:** "I'm sorry Kent, but I told you many times this wasn't serious. If it brings you any comfort, I had a similar talk with Tommy."

 **K:** "So...Jane…"

Waiting for him to leave, the ME, ignoring him, opened her computer to pretend she was busy. She was furious. Who did he think he was to assume he could talk about her and Jane?

* * *

Stepping inside the 'The Dirty Robber', Jane ordered food and drinks while Maura chose the table. Frequently glancing at the blonde, she noticed she looked stressed.

This morning they almost arrived late for work because she had surprised her with a big nutritious, yet, delicious breakfast. Jane loved these gestures but wondered how much these were to compensate for feelings of guilt over her mood swings and fatigue from the new medication. She didn't want her to think she had to constantly pamper her to convince her she cared, especially when she was so tired.

As Jane walked towards the table and sat down, Maura stared at the menu- fidgeting it between her fingers. She was definitely upset and trying to calm herself down.

 **J:** "What happened?"

 **M:** "Nothing."

 **J:** "You barely said a word since we left...Is this anything to do with your doctor's missed call?"

Maura turned her attention away from Jane, and her eyes started travelling all over the bar. Everywhere, except what/who was in front of her.

 **J:** "What did he say?"

The dark-haired woman reached for her hand in hopes of giving her some comfort. Maura, quickly, tried to pull away but Jane got a hold on her wrist. Light enough for her to still be able to pull away but firm enough to make her stop acting so defensive. The ME stared at her.

 **M:** "He needs to do another evaluation. He wants to run a few possibilities he didn't in the first place, so... it's just possibilities, it doesn't mean anything. It might be nothing. It's probably nothing."

 **J:** "That's good. If he finds out, he missed something that can explain why the treatments weren't working...Maur?... That's good, isn't it?"

For the second time that night, the blonde started looking around the room. Eventually, focusing on their holding hands.

 **J:** "Maur? What did he say?"

 **M:** "I...one of the possibilities is that I might suffer from bipolar disorder. I-I'm not bipolar, that's ridiculous. Why would he even consider it? It doesn't make any sense if you ask me."

 **J:** "What if he's right?"

Suddenly, the blonde looked at her. She seemed anxious and almost angry. This was the first time Jane saw her completely dismissing a doctor's opinion. Knowing her as she knew, she quickly realized Maura was likely just afraid that he was right. It was also likely that there weren't any other possibilities. Distressed as she already was, she didn't want to pressure her even more.

 **M:** "He's not rig-"

 **J:** "Even if he is. It doesn't matter."

 **M:** "What do you mean it doesn't matter?!"

 **J:** "What I mean is, it doesn't matter what he calls it. The only thing that matters is that you get better. Whatever it is, we're already dealing with it right now."

 **M:** "You don't have to."

 **J:** "No, I don't, but I chose to because I love you."

Maura pouted her lips and shed a few tears quietly. Sighing deeply she reached for Jane's free hand and held it tightly. Then, grabbed both of her hands between hers-massaging them.

 **J:** "You need to stop focusing on definitions and the perceptions and prejudices on them. All you need to do is focus on getting better."

 **M:** "... you're right."

Jane felt cold when her hands stopped being held but immediately felt warm when the ME got up to sit by her side. Her big, Bambi eyes staring at hers while giving her a sad smile. When she felt her lips on her cheek, the detective couldn't help but put her arm over her shoulders. Maura reciprocated by resting her head against her chest and massaging her stomach gently. Then, gave her another kiss on the cheek. Neither of them caring if someone they knew saw it.


	9. Birthday Girl

4 months later

Unusual for a Sunday morning, the alarm clock echoed through the bedroom.

With sleepy eyes and barely awake, Maura carefully removed Jane's leg from above her hips. Then, clumsily, silenced the hideous sound and reached for the drawer on the nightstand to grab her gift-placing it underneath her pillow. Sliding into her girlfriend's warm, the blonde snuggled against her chest, unmotivated to start the day yet-briefly shutting her eyes as she smelled her lavender shampoo. Sighing, she allowed her lips to rest on Jane's neck. Unlike her, the detective was always relatively sweaty when sleeping. Maura smiled, getting the dark curls away from their faces. Placing delicate kisses on her shoulder, she started whispering.

 **M:** "Janie...birthday girl…"

Chuckling as she heard a groan, the ME sat up. Grumpy Jane, without her first-morning coffee, was still the most adorable thing. She could never get tired of this. She could never get tired of how she made such flawed characteristic look so cute. Lowering herself, she proceeded with the kissing- adding more pressure this time.

 **M:** " I know you heard the alarm."

Jane groaned loud and rested a hand on the blonde's lower back.

 **J:** "Can't we just sleep a bit longer?"

 **M:** "We can, but then, once your mother gets here, you're gonna need to explain to her why she couldn't find you in the guest room."

 **J:** "Just a few extra minutes..."

Maura sighed in annoyance, but it ended up sounding like a whine.

 **M:** " Fine. But I don't want to give you your present in front of everyone."

With that, Jane's eyes spanned open- inquisitively looking at her.

 **J:** "You already gave me a gift."

 **M:** "I had to give you something today...You don't need to get up."

Gasping in surprise as Maura swiftly straddled her and reached for the gift, Jane nervously shifted, realizing what it was. Breitling.

 **M:** "You need a new watch, Jane."

 **J:** "It's...You sh-"

 **M:** "It is my money, and if I want to spend it on you, I will."

Never stop holding the watch; the blonde carefully showed it to her. Jane could've sworn it was made especially for her. When she tried to reach for it, Maura stopped her and turned it around—pointing at the two dates engraved on it. The detective, embarrassed, had no idea what it meant. She had never been good with dates, not even with the ones she was supposed to. Worrying about Maura getting hurt or upset, she felt relieved hearing a soft chuckle.

 **M:** "The day when we first met, and when we finally got together."

For once, she didn't know what to say nor do. She simply gazed at her in amazement, feeling a sense of warmth and fulfilment embracing her body.

Taking Jane's wrist and removing the old shattered watch, Maura lightly brushed her lips against the skin, placing a few more kisses before setting the new one. Spontaneously, the brunette stroked her cheek, in an attempt to take all of her girlfriend's beauty in. She wanted to say something. She wanted to tell her how perfect she was, even though nothing she could ever say would match what she was feeling. Trying to think of something, she withdrew herself, realizing Maura was gazing at the place their bodies met, clearly pondering about something. Then, vulnerable, almost scared, hazel eyes looked at hers.

 **M:** "Jane...I...I love you a-and...I'll make sure you know it for the rest of m-my life. I love you."

 **J:** "Maur..."

Jane, rested a hand on her back, gently pulling her down to her chest. This was the first time Maura said those three, yet so meaningful words. In the past months, the brunette felt nothing but love from her; sometimes even wondering if she deserved such care and affection. Still, actually hearing it from her, especially knowing how hard it was for her to be this open...it meant everything.

Lightly tearfully but giggling, Maura hid her face on the brunette's neck before focusing on her lips. Licking their own, she clumsily kissed her. Running her tongue over her bottom lip, to then suck on it. Still tasting her salty tears, Jane intensified the kiss while running her hands over her thighs. Settling in a place, she hadn't touched before; she began rubbing the skin. Fast breathing, the blonde moved her lips to her neck, intensely sucking on it. Shivering, the detective decided to be bolder with the touches, adventuring in further areas. In a second, she felt her girlfriend freezing above her and slightly pulling away- grabbing her hands and placing them on a safer spot.

 **J:** "I'm sorry."

 **M:** "No. Don't be, i-it's my fault. I should be the one apologizing. I'm sorry, Jane."

 **J:** "It's not your fault, I...I shouldn't be pushing you into something you're not ready."

 **M:** "But...I... I'm ready. I've been ready for years but I... it's not you. It's the medication. I don't feel anything."

 **J:** "Maur...Why didn't you tell me this before?"

 **M:** "I didn't want you to think this was somehow your fault and that I'm not attracted to you."

 **J:** "Sweetheart, you need to tell me these things so we can work them out together."

 **M:** "We already spend too much time focusing on my issues. We need balance. We need to focus more on you. Can't we just be like other couples?"

 **J:** "We have all the time in the world, and you're doing amazing. The hard part is over."

 **M:** "...I still want to please you. It's not fair."

 **J:** "And I already told you, I don't want our first time to be like that."

 **M:** "I just want to make you feel good."

 **J:** "How long do we know each other?...That's how long I'm waiting. Waiting a bit longer is not gonna kill me."

 **M:** "I'm sorry."

 **J:** "Don't be."

 **M:** "We can still make out like a couple of aroused teenagers."

Jane chuckled, wrapping her arms around Maura's neck while she resumed the kissing.


	10. Happy

Smiling from the scene in front of her, the detective walked towards it.

Maura was bending on the coffee table, next to her heels, helping TJ with his homework. Even when pointing out his mistakes, she was soft and made sure to praise him all the while. Never getting frustrated, she explained everything carefully, no matter how many times she had to repeat herself—coming up with newer explanations when the others still left him confused.

Kneeling next to her, she gave the blonde a sweet knowing look. Gazing into her for a brief moment until turning her attention to her nephew.

 **J:** "Still on your homework, buddy?"

 **TJ:** "I finished, but aunt Maura is helping me with numbers."

 **J:** "You understand it, now?"

 **TJ:** "Yeah. I like when she teaches me."

 **J:** "Anything funny at school this week?"

 **TJ:** "We had fake weddings."

 **J:** "Who was the lucky new Mrs Rizzoli?"

 **TJ:** "No one! Weddings are very serious. We shouldn't joke about them."

 **M:** "It's just a pretend game, TJ. It would be ok if you joined."

 **TJ:** "No! When I get married is because I really like her! Like you and aunt Jane. How was your wedding?"

Giving her girlfriend a confusing look, Jane noticed how blushed the blonde was. However, neither one of them couldn't help but chuckle.

 **M:** "What do you mean?"

 **TJ:** "Your wedding."

 **J:** "We aren't married. What made you think that?"

 **TJ:** "I...I thought you were married. I thought you were in Quantico because you had a fight."

 **M:** "It's ok, TJ. You don't need to feel embarrassed. Many people mistook our relationship before."

 **TJ:** "But you are best friends and live together."

 **M:** "You're very smart, and those are two strong points, but we're not married."

* * *

Casually playing with the food on her plate, the detective wasn't able to cease the so many negative feelings racing into her body all at once. Hurt, anger, jealousy...Jealousy. Minutes ago, she stared at her younger brother in disbelief, learning he knew Maura transformed the closet next to the yoga room into a boxing one.

She knew there was nothing to worry about and that she was being unreasonable, but it didn't make her feel any better. She had everything she wished for, and it felt even better in reality than in daydreams. Maura was hers, and she was hers. They broke free from all those years in fear and self-doubt, and nothing could stop them now. However, not being able to have her in all forms was slowly driving her crazy; making her insecure and jealous of Tommy and Kent- mostly Tommy. Recently, she couldn't handle knowing they had her in a way she was still waiting for. She wanted to wait for her. She wanted it to be special and unforgettable for both, but that didn't mean the waiting was being easy.

 **M:** "Jane?"

Realizing for the first time the blonde had placed a hand on her tight and caressed it gently, Jane turned her attention towards her. The pretty Bambi eyes she always gave her when concerned. How could she resist it? The detective sighed, and soon all her insecurities and anger flew away. Her feelings didn't matter if she was being unfair to Maura.

 **A:** "So...A boxing room? Does this mean you're no longer looking for a place?"

 **J:** "Nope."

 **A:** "Wow Maura! Jane must have done something really good for you to splash out all that money on her."

The ME felt her cheeks burning. She hadn't thought of it before, but looking from the outside, it was odd for her to be spending so much, especially when no one knew they were together. The realization made her blush harder.

Suddenly, she felt Jane resting a hand on her stomach and lower back. Then, she pressed her lips against her cheek. Maura was in heaven.

 **J:** "Thank you."

 **TJ:** "Can I leave the table and watch tv?"

 **T:** "Yeah, but don't turn the volume too loud."

 **A:** "If I had more grandkids, TJ would have someone to play with...Nina?"

 **F:** "Ma! We talked about this before."

 **A:** "But you're my only hope! I gave up on Janie."

 **J:** "Ma!"

Maura, almost snorting, chuckled hard while trying to cover her mouth with a fist.

 **A:** "You look very happy today..."

 **M:** "I am, indeed!"

 **A:** "Did you won the lottery or something?!"

 **M:** "Maybe."

 **A:** "What are you not telling me? Are you seeing someone? Because, you know, I wouldn't mind grandkids from you neither."

Flushing, Jane looked at her mother and then at the blonde. The ME was pale and rigid in her seat, completely terrorized. Trying to relax her, she caressed her tight and stood up.

 **J:** "Ma, help me with the desserts."

* * *

Staring at herself in the bathroom mirror, Jane smiled softly. Today had been a great day. Seeing everyone she loved, having fun together and celebrating her birthday without the usual sadness of the past years, made her guilt about not moving back sooner. She should have never left Boston. It didn't matter how long it had passed; she would always feel regret about leaving. How could her judgment be so clouded back then? Looking back, she wasn't only trying to protect herself and them from the danger of her job. She was running. It was easier than to stay and fight. It was easier than to stay and keep fighting against her feelings for her best friend. The FBI had been a great experience, but if the reason she left was just for safety, she could've changed her role in BPD and work mainly from a desk.

Quietly, Maura came inside and closed the door behind- briefly stroking her girlfriend's back before reaching for the toothbrush.

 **J:** "How's TJ?"

 **M:** "Sleeping. Probably dreaming of dinosaurs."

 **J:** "You spoil him too much. He's big enough to sleep by himself."

 **M:** "The house is too big! He gets scared...besides, you are the one that told him we were going to have a slumber party."

Jane sat on the toilet seat to admire the blonde in her bedtime routine. Every night was the same, and every night she thought her girlfriend couldn't look any more beautiful. She was always stunning during the day, but at night, with no makeup on...she looked angelic. The detective wondered how the strongest woman she knew could also look so delicate and precious. Then, her mind drifted elsewhere.

After a while, Maura looked at her.

 **M:** "Honey?... What's wrong?"

 **J:** "I...I got jealous today."

Stopping what she was doing and placing the floss aside, the blonde sighed and moved towards her. Kneeling in front of her, she took her hands between hers.

 **M:** "I know, and I'm sorry. You're allowed to feel Jane...I don't want you to hide it from me because you're worried about my reaction. You're in your right."

 **J:** "I just...I've been feeling frustrated and jealous because...you know."

 **M:** "I...I wish you didn't have to go through this...If I could, I would make everything feel great right now, but I'm not able to. But I love you. I love you so, so much honey. I know I'm not being the best girlfriend I can be, but when this is all over, I promise I'll make it up to you for all these months."

Seeing Jane, gazing at their hands, trying not to sob, Maura began crying. She felt a knot on her chest. She couldn't bear being the cause of such pain. Standing up, she cupped her face in her hands; brushing her tears away with the thumbs while resting their foreheads together.

 **M:** "I love you...You are everything to me, Jane, and I would give up all that I have to be with you. Please, never doubt it."

Nodding, Jane pulled her girlfriend onto her lap, holding her tightly. The blonde, lightly, placed a kiss on her right eye, then cheek, then nose until touching her lips. Her hands, slipping underneath the dark curls, tracing soothing patterns on the back of her head.

 **M:** "It will be ok, darling."


	11. Telling people

Holding a mug of coffee with one hand and grasping a fleece blanket with the other, Maura sat down near Jane. After covering their laps, she snuggled onto her shoulder, watching TJ absorbed in his fantasy world. Now that days were getting warmer, they should start spending less time watching television and more like this—in the patio, enjoying the outside in private.

 **J:** "What the hell is he doing?"

 **M:** "Looking for bugs. If he finds any, he will ask me about its species."

After a while, the blonde looked up to her girlfriend and found her staring at her—a small smile on her lips.

 **M:** "What?"

 **J:** "Can you imagine mini Maura Isles asking me a bunch of hard questions I can't answer?"

Looking down, glowing, the ME started smiling and squeezed Jane's hand underneath the blanket. Then, she looked up, feeling herself melt in the most gorgeous dark eyes she had ever seen.

 **M:** "Can you imagine little Janes running around with a ball while destroying your mother's plants?"

Laughing, Jane pointed to an area on one of the walls.

 **J:** "We could set a hoop net there... it's a pretty good spot."

 **M:** "It actually is!"

Fixing the dark curls behind the detective's ear, Maura shifted her body to face her and began tracing her jawline with her thumb.

 **M:** "I love you."

Before Jane could say anything back, the blonde muffled her mouth with her lips. Modest yet, sweet. Promptly pulling apart when she realized what she did, Maura glanced at TJ—relaxing against Jane's body when she saw the kid being too focused to notice anything around him.

 **J:** "I want us to start telling people. At least our families."

 **M:** "You're right...It's time...but I can't help feeling worried about having a relapse, now that we're reducing the doses."

 **J:** "It's gonna be ok, Maura. I'll be here if anything happens and...my family loves you. You're already family. They never stopped loving you when I was away. I think they even started loving you more if that's even possible. You don't need to be so scared."

Maura briefly looked down to ponder on the situation.

 **M:** "I want Tommy to be the first to know. I know we talked about speaking to Angela and my mother first, but I don't want him to find out through someone else. It's not fair."

 **J:** "It's ok. I'll talk to him."

 **M:** "No. I'll do it."

 **J:** "I'm his sister."

 **M:** "I know, but I need to do this. He needs to hear it from me, and I still own him an explanation, instead of half-truths."

* * *

 **M:** "Do you want something to drink?"

 **T:** "I'm good...you ok? You're making me nervous."

Moving quickly, while fidgeting with her hands, the ME sat down on the couch next to her friend.

 **M:** "I wanted you to be the first to know. I'm in a relationship."

 **T:** "T-that's great, Maura. I knew this was about to happen. A beautiful woman like you is only single because they want to...He must be quite a catch! Can't wait to meet him."

 **M:** "It's a woman."

 **T:** "Oh! I didn't know you like women, but...I would always choose a woman over a man, so I think I understand."

Chuckling lightly, the blonde joined him. Suddenly, feeling more at ease.

 **M:** "Actually, this is why I wanted to talk to you. It's not about me being with someone, it's about whom I'm with. You know her."

 **T:** "Who is it?"

 **M:** "Jane. She wanted to tell you, but I asked her to do it."

Getting tense from the silence, Maura observed him cautiously. He was gazing at the floor and had a familiar expression on his face. At that moment, he looked like Jane every time she was thinking hard, trying to solve a case.

 **M:** "Tommy?"

Confused eyes turned his gaze towards her.

 **T:** "Is that why you called things off with Kent and me?"

 **M:** "Yes."

 **T:** "That was months ago..."

 **M:** "We had to work on some things, first."

 **T:** "Were you ever together before she left?"

 **M:** "No...Tommy, you're my dearest friend, and I love your sister."

 **T:** "How long do you like her?"

 **M:** "I don't know. I always found her attractive, and by the time I realized I liked her, I couldn't remember when it first began. I guess my feelings grew naturally, but I was so preoccupied trying to be a good friend that I didn't notice what was going on."

 **T:** "You know...you two...it actually makes sense. It must have been hard when she left."

Nodding gently, Maura began to remember how distressful those first days were. She was in so much agony that her body manifested itself in ways she thought not possible—she read about it, before, but always assumed people were exaggerating, looking for sympathy. No matter how exhausted she was, her heartbeat was too hasty to fall asleep; no matter how clean her meals were, her stomach ached, and she would end up vomiting in the office bin; no matter how much moisturizer and dry oil she used, her skin flaked, and burning rashes appeared in random parts of her body; no matter how friendly people were, she wanted to do nothing but to scream in their faces; no matter how lonely she felt, she kept making excuses to be by herself. For the first time in her life, she thought people could die from emotional pain. Obsessively researching for data on the topic, she tried to find comfort in it—she didn't.

* * *

Walking in circles, after reheating the kettle for the third time, the ME worried about what was taking so long. It had been over an hour, and Jane was still in the guest house talking to Angela—talking about them. She never wanted for things to happen this way. This was never part of the plan. They were supposed to invite Angela for dinner. After a lovely evening, Maura would make an excuse to go upstairs and leave the two women by themselves. Only then, her girlfriend would lead her mother to the couch and gingerly start the conversation. They messed it all up and got themselves into a situation that could be easily avoided.

When Tommy left with TJ, it didn't take too long for them to have one of their usual moments. Out of habit, Maura laid on the bench with Jane on top of her, adjusting the blanket around them. She couldn't remember accurately for how long they stayed that way, but she was sure it was for over half an hour. Whispering sweet nothings to each other and imagining a future together that now seemed so near and possible. The blonde kept an arm wrapped against Jane's neck and a hand resting underneath her sweater, occasionally caressing the toned waist. At the same time, the detective supported herself with one arm that was placed next to Maura's head, while running her fingers through her cheek. Starting to kiss her gently, Jane slid her hand to the blonde's stomach. Gently tickling a particular spot, she knew she would be more successful at. Between kisses and giggles, the women were so focused on each other that they didn't hear the gate that led to the street opening. When they heard a low cracking voice, Maura pushed her girlfriend away, thinking she could die of embarrassment at the exact instant. Thankfully, Jane recovered quickly, and before the ME reacted, she was already talking to her mother and pulling her to the guest house.

Maura looked at the two mugs on the counter and went to get another one. Then, grabbed the same one and put it away. After looking at the mugs, again, she decided it was best to put all of them out. If Angela didn't join them, Jane would feel bad for seeing the extra mug: if Angela did and saw only two mugs, she could feel uncomfortable thinking the couple wanted to be alone. Maybe she was overthinking…

Seeing Jane entering the house, Maura immediately grabbed two mugs and poured them some tea.

 **M:** "I made tea."

 **J:** "Thanks."

Placing a kiss on her forehead, the detective took a sip from her drink.

 **M:** "H-honey...are you ok?"

 **J:** "It's fine. She just needs time."

 **M:** "What happened? Was she very upset?"

 **J:** "I think she was more upset because we didn't tell her before and because I never told her I like you. But it's fine. She's just shocked...She also said that as long as we're happy, that's all that matters."

Smiling softly, Maura stroked her girlfriend's side, trying to give her some comfort. Jane brought herself closer and brushed their cheeks together. On that moment, the front door opened, causing them to, gently, pull apart while still remaining near each other.

 **M:** "Angela! Would you like some tea?"

 **A:** "No, but I'm hungry. Have you girls had lunch, yet?"

 **M:** "Actually, food would be a good idea."

 **A:** "Great! Because I'm about to teach you how to make the famous Rizzoli gnocchi recipe."

 **J:** "Wha?! How come you never taught me?"

 **A:** "You don't even know how to make ragù! What's gonna happen when I get old? Someone will need to teach my grandkids, and I know it's not gonna be you!"

 **J:** "Ma!"

Laughing, Maura followed Angela around the kitchen.

 **A:** "You picked a difficult one, at least, she's funny!"

 **M:** "And cute!"

With the remark, Angela began smiling and shaking her head from side to side.

 **M:** "Your mother is right, Jane...I have no doubt you're going to teach our kids amazing things I know nothing about, but I'll stick with the cooking tutoring."

 **J:** "So...kids...not a kid?"

Maura felt her face burning. They never really discussed having children before. There was never a discussion because it was never needed. They knew for a fact that both wanted to be mothers. During the years, in her weak moments, Jane confessed it many times after a few drinks or during emotional draining cases. And even though the blonde stated many times she thought she would never have kids, there was always a quiet understanding that this was more about her fears of becoming like her parents instead of lack of desire. Still, neither of them expressed nor talked about how many they would like to have. Sure, they made jokes and daydreamed a lot, but they also daydreamed of many things they didn't necessarily want—It was about possibilities. Just because something was possible, it doesn't mean they would agree on it. Fantasies, no matter how good they felt, sometimes could be very far from reality aspirations.

In a second, all of the blonde's growing worries ceased. Jane's strong arms came wrapping around her waist, and a full smile began pressing her face in a clumsy kiss.


	12. The End

Tilting her head up, she allowed the water to hit her face directly—the pressure caressing the right spots to make her drift. Although she preferred baths, sometimes a shower was more efficient in unwinding her...it had been one of those weeks. Besides dinner and going straight to bed when arriving home, she barely saw Jane for the past days. Usually, this didn't affect her, but this time was different. Sitting in the office, knowing her girlfriend was undercover in such a high-risk mission, it was impossible not to picture the worst-case scenarios that could be unfolding at the exact time. Her stomach twisting at the awareness of everything they didn't experience yet—being an official couple at work; vows in front of their loved ones; holidays with their families; kids; her hands on Jane's body; Jane's hands on her body...Jane's hands on her body. If only she felt desire. If only love and wanting were enough. If only the small sparkles she was starting to feel were fiery enough. If only she weren't so afraid...The new scanty sensations were panicking her. She was too scared of mistaking passion for a manic episode, and be unable to restrain herself. It would be brutal to Jane, and Maura knew she would never forgive herself for it. Sighing, she turned off the shower.

Walking into the living room, the blonde stopped to look at Jane. She couldn't explain what was changing inside her, but it was as if she was seeing her girlfriend for the first time. Smiling, she walked towards her and sat on the couch's end—carefully stretching her legs over her lap and embracing her. Pulling the dark hair aside, Maura kissed her cheek gently and rested a hand on the detective's stomach. Instantly, Jane wrapped an arm around her and began stroking her knee.

 **M:** "Your hair looks so good."

 **J:** "They only trimmed the split ends, Maur."

Blushing, the ME administered more kisses on her face. Then, swiftly brushed her lips against the skin behind her ear—briefly shutting her eyes.

 **M:** "I don't know what products they used, but you smell amazing...although I still prefer your lavender shampoo."

Pulling lightly apart, Jane gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

 **J:** "What do you wanna watch?"

 **M:** "Anything. I just want to cuddle."

 **J:** "You've been so melty lately."

 **M:** "Can't a girl just enjoy her girlfriend?"

As usual, Jane deliberately slipped her hand underneath the blonde's silk pyjama top but noticed something different. When her fingertips reached the smooth skin, Maura shivered quietly. Surprised with the reaction, the detective looked at her—slowly gliding her fingers from her stomach upwards, pausing before reaching her chest. Unsure of what to do next and trying to avoid pressuring Maura, again, by mistake, she observed her in hopes of getting some sort of clarity. For a few seconds, Jane could've sworn she saw her closing her eyes. The ME lightly parted her lips, and her breathing got heavier than usual. Amazed by the half-open hazel eyes and the flush gradually appearing on her chest, Jane pressed their lips together. Instantly, Maura gasped silently trying to bring their bodies closer. Unable to control herself and before knowing what she was doing, the brunette slid her tongue inside her girlfriend's mouth while reaching for her breast—gently trying fo feel all of it. Shit. Hearing the blonde exhaling louder, Jane swiftly held her by the waist and pulled her underneath her. Maura cupped her face and brought her closer, kissing her eagerly while adjusting her legs so she could lay easily between them. Shit. Clumsily pulling the blonde's pyjama above her chest, the detective resumed the touches from before, receiving a loud moan. Shit.

With the remaining self-control still left in her, Jane rested her face against her chest, trying to calm herself down. If they kept this way, everything would be over much sooner than what she wished for. There was no way she was going to rush this, no matter how hard she had to focus and fight her instincts. Shit. She couldn't believe this was actually happening. After a while, feeling one of the ME's hands reaching her hip while the other kept still on her shoulder, Jane tried to look into her eyes. The blonde kept hers closed and bit her bottom lip, gradually recovering her breath. When she opened her eyes, full of affection and passion, the detective began kissing her as deep as slowly as she was able to.

 **M:** "Fuck, Jane..."

Carefully, Jane stopped and looked at her, amazed by the effect she had on the woman. Yet, she was still unsure.

 **J:** "You ok?"

 **M:** "I...I think w-we shoul-"

 **J:** "Do you wanna stop? It's ok if y-"

Blushing hard, Maura spoke distinctly quiet as her eyes travelled anywhere but her girlfriend.

 **M:** "No...I was going to ask if you want to go upstairs."

Walking to the bedroom, both women remained silent—their arms and fingers brushing gently against one another.

Standing by the bed, the ME waited almost anxiously for her girlfriend to make a move. Then, stared at the floor until she felt Jane's hands on her hips. Wrapping her arms as she got kissed, the blonde pressed her body against her girlfriend, enjoying the closeness. As their breathing gradually became faster and the touches turned heavier, Jane smoothly stepped back to undress her, taking time to caress her in the process.

Maybe it was because her girlfriend was still fully clothed, but Maura stood still at once. Her shoulders bending slightly forward and her arms falling along her body as if hiding herself. Biting her lower lip, she realized for the first time how nervous she was. All she wanted to do was give in to her newfound feelings, yet, part of her felt like running away. She was too overwhelmed. The new interaction would change their relationship entirely, and after that, there would be no turning back. She never acted shy and hesitant when it came to sex. Not even during her first time—she was confident, and her only reserve was not knowing how to respond when having someone gazing at her so intensely. But, this was Jane, so she didn't have to worry about making a fool of herself. No. This was precisely why she was suddenly so afraid of rejection. She was scared of not being good enough for her—of not living up to her expectations and ending up being a disappointment. In the end, it didn't matter how good they were together nor how much they loved each other. Fools were the ones that believed looks didn't matter—they did...at least chemistry did. No couple could survive without it. And being the brain a trickster, she was very well aware that Jane's attraction could be gone in a second. At any moment, she could realize that she wasn't that attracted to her; not attracted enough to resume what they were doing. Or maybe, she would see something that would quickly be a turn-off and stop.

 **J:** "Stop overthinking."

 **M:** "I..."

The ME looked down, making the brunette embrace her until she looked at her again. Then, Jane made her foreheads touch while she began caressing her cheek.

 **J:** "Sweetheart...Nothing bad is gonna happen. It's just the two of us...let me take care of you."

With that, Maura brushed her lips against hers, trying to suppress the heartfelt tears that began forming.

 **M:** "I love you so much."

 **J:** "I love you too. So, maybe, let me show you how much I love you."

Running her tongue through Jane's lips, the blonde began caressing her toned stomach before kissing her tenderly. When she felt the brunette shivering from the touch, she pushed against her hips and undressed her.

They remained in the spot, feeling and admiring each other's bodies until their breathing became too intense. Then, Maura carefully helped her laying on the bed.

Straddling Jane, she placed a pillow underneath her head, trying to make her feel more comfortable. Kissing her fiercely, she quickly moved her lips to her neck—running the tip of her tongue over the skin until she found a spot her girlfriend particularly enjoyed and began sucking. Feeling Jane raising her hips towards her, she set a knee between her centre and lowered herself to take a nipple between her lips. The brunette gasped and pulled Maura by the hips, trying to add more pressure as she began grinding her. Immediately, Maura muffled a moan against her breast at the realization of how easily she slid against her. Recovering from the pleasure rolling down her spine, she lowered herself further and pressed her tongue on her stomach.

Unaware of what just happened and how it happened, the blonde found herself being pinned on the mattress. Surprised, she groaned loudly when she felt Jane's mouth on her neck. The detective positioned herself between her legs and held her by the thighs, swiftly moving her hands to rub its inner parts. Running her mouth further down, she nibbled on a nipple until Maura jerked her hips up—her breathing becoming almost desperate. Glancing at her face and seeing the need, Jane worked her tongue through her stomach, moving to bite on the inner tights until reaching her goal.

Maura spread her legs farther, looking for more contact, as her hands slid into the dark curls until the brunette caught them and entwined their fingers together.

Feeling herself almost on edge, the ME tried to pull Jane but failed.

 **M:** "J-Jane...come. Here. I-I wan- touch you a-and...look at y-"

Without saying a word, Jane kissed her deeply, placing her hands on her hips. Managing to control her movements without quivering so much, Maura brushed her hands against her girlfriend's breasts. Then, grabbed her by the hips moving her slowly against her. When Jane picked up the pace and began grinding her faster, the blonde moved her hands between their centres so she could touch her. Groaning as she felt her between her fingers, riding eagerly, Maura slid her tongue inside her mouth. Immediately, Jane imitated her by moving a hand down while she tried to balance herself with the other.

 **J:** "M-Maur...I'm gon-..."

 **M:** "Look at me."

Staring into each other's eyes, Maura tried to muffle her girlfriend's moans with her mouth. Yet, when she saw her expression and felt her shaking against her fingers, the blonde followed her quickly. Waving off the orgasm as their hips crashed together, the women wailed into each other's mouth as they tried to keep their eyes open.

After a while, Jane kissed her softly and rolled on her back. Smiling, she embraced Maura and kissed her forehead, astonished by how beautiful she looked. The ME pulled slightly away so she could be partly on top of her and kissed her tenderly. Snuggling into her girlfriend, Maura kissed her chest and began playing with the curls. Then, smiling, stared at her.

 **M:** "Hey."

 **J:** "Hey."

 **M:** "Honey...you're so beautiful, Jane."

Not knowing what to say, Jane kissed her forehead and started making soothing circles on her shoulder.

 **J:** "Sweetheart..."

 **M:** "I love you."

 **J:** "I love you too."

* * *

-The End-


End file.
